In a divergence from normal features, we welcome guest writer, Paddy West, who has taken a different look at the real challenge faced by our new manager. 

In a fascinating study, we have been researching the origins of some names. What has been revealed is an insight into why things have gone wrong at Newcastle United in the recent past. We can exclusively reveal why McClaren’s biggest problem to overcome may be his MD, a certain Lee Charnley. 

Charnley does seem to be appropriately named. The traditional origin of the name is a combination of the Welsh word “Carn” meaning a rock and “Leah” which is a wooded area. Place names that have been similar relate to wooded areas on rocky ground. 

As we have seen, Lee Charnley’s communication is broadly similar to rocks and trees, i.e. non existent. Having a Ley and Lee in his name would tend to support those who unkindly suggest that his intellectual capability is somewhat akin to two short wooden things. 

There is an alternative to the first part of his surname, that being a more up to date version, more specifically, Charn. The addition of the “ley” could turn the name into a descriptive word. 

That leads us to Charn and what is it? The place Charn can be found in the Chronicles of Narnia. These were originally penned by C S Lewis but have recently been rewritten under the label of the Chronicle, apparently plagiarised by ghost writers using the names Ryder and Douglas. What in fact they have been doing is rewriting the same story. 

Before coming back to Lee Charnley, it is worth looking at key figures in the history of Charn itself. As far as the Chronicle goes, sorry, the Chronicles of Narnia, we are introduced to the latter part of its history. 

In former years, Charn had thrived under a range of rulers. Many of them are not named but could conceivably have born the names Keegan, Robson, Shearer and so on. The turning point came under Jadis. 

As we all know, Mike Ashley has rarely communicated with the Newcastle public. In the interests of accuracy, knowing that the club would not respond, our research took the modern approach via Google. To date, Ashley seems never to have denied that his real name is Jadis. 

Spookily there is a road, a word abbreviated to Rd, called Muswell Road which is only a few miles from Ashley’s home. His middle names are James Wallace. If you take out the “mes” from James and the “Wall” from Wallace, substituting Rd for both of those, what are you left with? Jardace! 

Jadis apparently started as a ruler of Charn for who things went well, just as Ashley’s reign on Tyneside. Charnley himself had experienced better times on Tyneside too, being a part of the regime when excellent and popular managers led the team into the Champions League and FA Cup finals. 

Jadis, the character, is a wicked witch. The spells did not work outside of the land of Charn, coincidentally as Ashley’s have not worked outside the world of discount retail. One of the weapons that Jadis had been able to employ, however is the ability to turn people into stone, a bit like those voiceless supporters last season who attended but were unable to muster any enthusiasm. Jadis was however able to usurp the terraces of St James Park, otherwise known as Narnia. 

Descriptions of Charn give us a picture, particularly of how the history emerged of being a place of total decline, once as vibrant as Keegan’s football, but destroyed in an act of petulant evil magic, something akin to the appointment of Joe Kinnear. 

In Charn, slavery and zero hours contracts were common. Torture chambers were created, where people were no doubt forced to endure watching endless hours of uncompetitive, negative and tedious football losing as many as 8 games in a row. The empire was described as one of cruelty and internal warfare. 

So we are left with the land of Char where everything is lifeless, hope had gone, nothing was done, or as the Chronicles reported Pardew as saying, nothing was got “over the line”. 

Charn became a place of total inactivity. To do something in a Charnley fashion meant that lifelessness continued, nothing happened, things like early Fans’ Forum meetings did not take place, transfer windows went by without signings. 

We are left with a happy ending however. Ultimately, we are told that the story “goes on forever, and in which every chapter is better than the one before." 

It remains to be seen whether McAslan will overcome the history of Charn and lead us to former glories and the promised land. Let’s hope that the Chronicle of Ryder and Douglas leads us to the same conclusion and in a timely fashion.